My dad always said that there is nothing worse than a cheat, a thief, and a liar. He told that to me often and usually because I
was doing one of the three. The thing was, I didn’t want to be any of those things. I just found myself doing them. It’s like I had no
control over myself. I spent much of my childhood lying cheating and stealing. Looking back on it now, I can see that it was mearly
an attempt to find a means of creating happiness by gathering things.

I look back at some of the stupid excuses that I gave to people when I got caught stealing and just laugh at myself for being so
stupid. Like this one time I was at the house of one of the cool kids in my school, I think I was in the 4th grade. I was getting ready
to leave for home when I spied a pair of Adidas football cleats just laying there on the floor. Now, I didn’t even play football,
but I figured that if David wore Adidas football cleats, and David was one of the cool kids, then it stands to reason that I would
be cool if I had a pair of Adidas football cleats. So I took them. Not 15 minutes after I got home, there was a knock at the door.
It was David. Apparently he needed his cleats for football practice that afternoon and was wondering if I had seen them. He said it in
such a way that I knew that he knew that I took the cleats. So here’s the best part. I said ” Oh, do you mean these cleats? My dog
must have carried them home.” He just laughed at me and said thank you for giving them back. That was typical of the many stupid
excuses I gave everytime I got caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to do.

Another thing that happened to me as a child that I wasn’t aware of until recently was this need or fear of looking stupid. I had an
uncle that would say “So what!” anytime I would tell him something that I thought was exiting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming
him. After all he was just a kid himself. What was he supposed to say.

A few years ago, I finally put together the occurrences with my uncle and my fear of looking like an idiot. It may not sound like it
means much, but for me, it really helps to understand why I thought the way I did. I can trace back all kinds of bad behavior and
actually see where it started. It has given me some much needed insight into the way our mind works.

I would like to start my story, not at my first drink, but instead at some things that I discovered about myself only in recent years.
Back when I was growing up, it was perfectly acceptable to spank your children. I know because I was one of those children and I got
spanked alot!

What is supposed to happen when one gets spanked is behavior modification. In other words I was supposed to learn not to do
whatever it was that I was doing. Now, what I am about to tell you is one of the reasons why I think that I was an alcoholic
long before I ever took my first drink. Every time I got spanked for doing something wrong, like stealing or lying or any number of other
different reasons, instead of learning that I wasn’t supposed to do the wrong thing, the only thing I learned was that I needed
to be a little sneakier the next time.

Over the course of the next few weeks, i will be attempting to write out my story of how I went from where I didn’t want to be to where I am today. I will be attempting to show my progression from a state of ignorance to a level of understanding that I didn’t know existed at the start of my journey. I can only hope that the reader benefits from the telling of my story.

The first time i went through the steps i became aware of the principles to a small degree. Just that little bit of awareness was
all I needed at that time. I remember how good it felt. I had a feeling of hope, happiness and freedom. This is only the beginning.
I needed to continue to grow in my understanding of the principles if I was to have any long term sobriety.

I could read the book over and over and I could get something new every time. I could even spend time memorizing the book.
Simply to memorize something does not constitute understanding. Understanding only comes through experience. The principles
that are so beautifully laid out in the big book, need to be practiced on a daily basis if we are going get the needed experience.

It has been said that you must train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose. This thought applies to recovery in this way.
Whatever we put in front of our recovery, we will lose. No more than that needs to be said but i will say some more anyway.
I found that by making my recovery process the number one thing in my life, that I was able to keep everything that i was afraid of
losing. Not only that, but I got much much more than I expected.

When I first was introduced to the idea of a sponsor and working the steps strait out of the big book, i was completely ready to
follow directions. My attitude was the same one i had when i was first learning to become a carpenter. i knew absolutely
nothing and i wanted to know everything. It was time to get busy and that’s just what i did. More on Work Your Ass Off

Why do people die? Said another slightly different way the question becomes, why do the people i love have to die?
When the people we love get sick and die, the most natural thing in the world is to feel great sadness. I know some
who hurt so much that they lash out at everyone around them because they are so hurt and angry. They are in such
pain that they look for someone to blame for the death of the ones they love. Some even decide to blame God. More on Dealing With The Pain Of Death

To those of you out there who as of yet have not been able to find a solution to your drinking or drug problem, i would say this. There is a way out. It is possible for you to do. One thing that I have learned is that if someone can do it, than it is possible for you to do it also. More on Open Or Closed, You Make The Choice

I grew up in a household where my father drank everyday. The minute he got home from work he started drinking and he was passed out by 9pm.

I started smoking pot in the 8th grade and started drinking my freshman year in high school. Very early on I started blacking out.
I started doing coke very soon after alcohol. I also did mushrooms, acid & pain pills early on. More on Tina’s Story

What is God? AA calls it a higher power. Some call it Allah or Jesus or any number of different names.
To tell you the truth, I don’t think he she or it give’s a crap what we call it. More on The Key To Understanding Is An Open Mind

Topic: Learning vs. Accepting; as it relates to A.A.

All of my life I have been put in situations where learning has been expected.  We all have, to some degree or another. 

In school, I was expected to learn the curriculum.  I was taught, tested, and graded.  Learn or fail.  In sports, I was

expected to learn the plays and learn the offense.  Learn or ride the pine.  In work, I am expected to learn my product line,

learn new responsibilities, and learn new technology.  Learn or be replaced. More on Learning vs. Accepting

Is it enough to just quit drinking and drugging? If all i have to do is just not drink and use
then what am i going to do for fun? Every fun thing I can remember revolved around drinking an using. More on Changing The Way You Think

Are you afraid to do your 4th step? Do you know how to do a proper 4th step? Do you even know what i am talking about?
There is absolutely no reason to fear doing a honest and thorough 4th step. More on Don’t Fear The 4th Step